when i was a child
my father told me marilyn monroe was beautiful
despite a small brown circle above her lip
when i was older
my father showed me pictures of the women he went on dates with
thick cakes of make up
dyed and thinning blonde hair
my father told me stories of the women he went on dates with:
vain cruel insecure
when i was a child
we had many large photographs of marilyn monroe
including one above the couch
where i sat beneath her
where his dates sat beneath her
we became a thumb
caught in the frame
people ask: was she really even that beautiful?
people ask: or did [they] decide who was beautiful and who was not?
people say: [someone else] is much more beautiful
i have no interest in individual beauty
either everyone is beautiful or no one is
beauty is so often cruel
beauty is always cruel
i hope i am beautiful
i look in the mirror and i don’t see it
i see a thumb caught in the frame
i say i love myself and the despite gets swallowed
despite: hair
despite: nose
despite: skin
[she was beautiful despite]
my father wrote a book on empowering women
my father came from a shattered cruel woman
thick cakes of make up
dyed and thinning blonde hair
i hope i am beautiful one day
one day i hope to look in the mirror
and see the ocean instead
one day i will look in the mirror and see
something big and beautiful
and cruel