“I’m queer.”
“I’m gay.”
“I’m a lesbian.”
“I’m bisexual.”
“I’m pan-sexual?”
I try all of these on and none of them fit. Maybe I’m not used to it yet? I don’t particularly want to mold myself to fit into a label. But sacrificing a label feels like giving up a key to a community. My community? Others like me. I want to know others like me. What’s the search phrase? Keyword?
I know I’m not alone in this. But it feels like everyone else got the rulebook a long time ago and I just woke up.
Just woke up to who I am. Just woke up into this sexuality.
That’s what happens when you have two decades of practice pushing feelings down. Pushing and pushing until they form a dense pit in your gut: Pre- Big Bang Feelings, topped with alcohol, flambéed.
Once I put down the drink and cracked open, I could finally love who I loved, without shame.
My insides finally match my outsides. But my outsides don’t quite match my insides. I feel I stand alone, sure of my attraction, but unsure where to turn. I seek a community– I crave friends who feel the same way.
Yet I diminish these feelings, daily. I don’t want to pass in a straight community any longer but I still feel I ought to. It’ll make things less complicated for everyone. Don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable by not identifying. Don’t want to experience the discomfort of not identifying. I want the freedom of not identifying and the community of like-minded people.
I feel like I need a letter in the LGBTQIA alphabet for me to have a proper place in this world.
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