despite

September 2nd, 2018 § 0 comments

when i was a child

my father told me marilyn monroe was beautiful

despite a small brown circle above her lip

 

when i was older

my father showed me pictures of the women he went on dates with

thick cakes of make up

dyed and thinning blonde hair

 

my father told me stories of the women he went on dates with:

vain cruel insecure

 

when i was a child

we had many large photographs of marilyn monroe

including one above the couch

where i sat beneath her

where his dates sat beneath her

we became a thumb

caught in the frame

 

people ask: was she really even that beautiful?

people ask: or did [they] decide who was beautiful and who was not?

 

people say: [someone else] is much more beautiful

 

i have no interest in individual beauty

either everyone is beautiful or no one is

beauty is so often cruel

beauty is always cruel

 

i hope i am beautiful

i look in the mirror and i don’t see it

i see a thumb caught in the frame

 

i say i love myself and the despite gets swallowed

despite: hair

despite: nose

despite: skin

[she was beautiful despite]

 

my father wrote a book on empowering women

my father came from a shattered cruel woman

thick cakes of make up

dyed and thinning blonde hair

 

i hope i am beautiful one day

one day i hope to look in the mirror

and see the ocean instead

 

one day i will look in the mirror and see

something big and beautiful

and cruel

 

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